Tragedy should not be expected


So sad, so very sad!
When we read about someone that died from a drug overdose.

It didn’t have to happen’
Those that knew the one that overdosed will say they tried to stay in touch and offer their support.
Isn’t that what we all say about the addicts in our lives…we try to stay in touch and support them.
Stay in touch makes sense; we naturally stay in touch with friends so our addict friends should be no different –right?
The support part, well that’ a bit different with addicts isn’t it?
We tend to support from a distance; a safe distance. If we get too close we might get pulled in by the tremendous magnetic force that addictions can have. It’s sort of like the same effect a strong ocean current has on you when you desperately want to get to shore but it keeps pulling you farther and farther in its direction. Farther out away from the safety of the shore. So we support from where we feel safe.
For some addicts it is too far away.
Ok, so we hear all the same stuff…they have to want it before they will stop.
Let me ask you a question-do you REALLY think they wanted to become an addict.
Do you REALLY think they are enjoying the lifestyle of an addict?
Do you REALLY know what that life is about?
Have you ever searched obsessively for money and even considered stealing; breaking into houses to steal just so you could get your next (whatever you needed)
I mean really (stop using or, go to jail for theft or burglarize a home and maybe get shot and go to jail)
They will lie to you, steal from you, and manipulate you with their stories (they are master story tellers aka liars)
They will sell their children and their own soul.
But, you see, addicts don’t think about those things. They are obsessed with only one thing. So why do they choose all the risky behaviors. Why do they spend their days where every other thought is about the object of their addiction?
Do you REALLY think living like that is more DESIRABLE than living a life full of well, life? Why do they continue to live such a miserable life? They, very SIMPLY put, have lost control.
How did they get there?
It can start by the desire to fit in.
Maybe they were forced in to it.
Maybe it was an initiation rite.
Maybe it started out recreationally.
Some people are more prone to becoming addicts.
Some chemicals have a greater potential to be addictive.
The farther you get pulled in to it, the harder it is to get out.
I would like to propose a challenge to you. Think about your favorite thing to eat or drink or your favorite activity. Try stopping it for a week.
Try not eating ANYTHING with sugar in it for a week. (Almost everything has sugar in it). Are you a coffee drinker? Try it-no coffee for a week. And remember, addicts can’t start back up after a week.
Now that you have stopped-don’t hang out with the people that are still doing those things.

So you might be asking. What’s the point?
The point is that I can tell you that NO ADDICT is enjoying being an addict. They have so much to hide from; all the secrets they have and all the lies they are telling.
You may think it is as easy as choosing say, to go to a movie or not, to stay in your job or get a different one, to buy a new outfit or wait for a sale.
It’s not that easy at all.
Well , you say, when it gets bad enough they will stop-they have to hit rock bottom. Sure that helps but when life gets more manageable after they stop then the desire for that feeling comes back. It can haunt you and beckon you like an old lover. Taunting with old pleasurable memories. The pain of the addictive lifestyle fades and the temptation to use again is hard and heavy desperately trying to pull you back in. Then other stresses of life start to create a pain that you want to escape from and you start to think that it was so much easier being an addict. At least you could get away from the pain.

In all honesty as much as addicts are such liars, once they allow you into their heart, which is imprisoned, you will find an incredibly sensitive person with an amazingly beautiful heart. Maybe you just might be the one that can be the difference in their lives.

Are You Kidding Me

“It hits you in the stomach. The feeling fills you up-that gut-twisting hang wringing anxiety that is so familiar to..… It is what causes us to do much of what we do that hurts ourselves. It is the substance worry and obsession feed upon. It is fear at its worse. Fear usually comes and goes, leaving us in flight ready to fight, or just temporarily frightened. But anxiety hangs in there. It grips the mind, paralyzing it all but for its own purposes- an endless rehashing of the same useless thoughts. It is the fuel that propels us into controlling behaviors of all sorts.. We can think of nothing but keeping the lid on things, controlling the problem, and making it go away.” This is an excerpt from “Codependent No More” by Melanie Beatty.

I used to have these dreams where I would be under water and I was struggling to get to the top so I could get air. Somewhere in my desperation for air I would take a breath and I could breathe; I could breathe water. I was no longer struggling to get to the top for air. I would just swim around and enjoy my surroundings. I knew I still needed air but there was no urgency.
I think recovery can be sort of like that. When you are involved in the addictive behavior you are desperate for air. You spend time seeking alternatives to air because the struggle for air is too painful and scary. Are you going to survive-make it. It takes up mental energy that just isn’t to be found. When you quit, its like being able to breath under water, you know things are still not right but its better than using and its kind of nice to hang out there awhile. I think the second part of recovery is like the journey to get air after you’ve found you can breathe under water. It’s necessary to sustain life but it’s still a struggle to get there. So you can kind of avoid the struggle for a bit until it starts to get you in trouble again. The second part of recovery is emotional healing and learning healthy life skills or unlearning all of the unhealthy, destructive behaviors/ attitudes, etc. Sometimes we can believe that stopping the addiction is all that is needed.

Personally, I went from being addicted to a substance to trying to survive being married to an addict and then to having a family member that was an addict.. I learned how to act like everything was okay. I learned how to clean up the messes. I learned how to fade away. It was no longer me that lived in the body suit that used to house my soul.

I love reading. I love everything about it.
I love the smell of a new book; the feel of the pages; the way the binder creaks.
The first day of school was always exciting to me because I couldn’t wait to see what new books I would be getting.
Having said all of that, I am currently reading six books.
The 6th book I added to my current reading list is one I swore to myself that I would never read. In my mind the book was for other people; it had nothing to do with me. The people that recommended it to me just really didn’t understand me
It’s about a topic that makes my stomach turn when I hear the word. Codependency.

If I had the choice to be called addict or codependent, I would much rather be referred to as an addict. I mean they are both pretty much the same thing. It’s just that one is less obvious. So, I have to rationalize the similarity because I am just not ready to come completely out of denial yet. The mental image I have in my head of a codependent just doesn’t fit me.
Its kind of crazy but I won’t hesitate to tell someone that I was once an addict but to say that I am codependent.  Are you kidding me?  I don’t think that will ever call myself codependent. I’ll come up with a new word.
I will admit though that I do have MANY  symptoms of a codependent.
I was shocked at what gave me the realization.
I read a chapter about attachment issues in Melody Beatty’s book and it was all about ME.
So, I have discovered that I am still swimming around under the water and I need to come up for air – I need recovery from all of the unhealthy ways of living that have kept me so empty of myself.
I now know where the addiction hijackers took me. I have been living in the basement of codependency for a very long time.
I am going to start swimming up out of the water to get air and get life back in me.
To be honest, I think it will be much harder than it was to stop using. It’s quite frightening.


Pleased to meet you.

Pleased you have taken the time to visit.

Pleased that you are you who you are.

Pleased for what you offer to this world.

Pleased that you have chosen to continue with life and be a part of this puzzle we call life where every life matters because every life is a piece of the puzzle and if one piece is missing then the puzzle will never be complete.

So pleased and so grateful for every life, even for the ones that have yet to be birthed into this world.

Pleased for all the colors and elements of life.


Surprise“Creativity is  continual Surprise” Ray Bradbury

Nature promises new surprises everyday. It almost appears as if the IMG_0420Stamin are suspended in water and the petals appear like feathers.IMG_1243

Who I am and why I’m here

I am currently discovering who I truly am meant to be. I hope to share my journey so that others that may have been or are currently involved in the world of addictions can maybe find a way out or be inspired to get out and get healing. I would love to start a new kind of treatment program but other responsibilities would prevent me from that at this time. I want to do what I can do now, which is to write. Maybe it will evolve in to being able to start that program.

A Different day, a different time, the same feeling



I had someone rage at me yesterday

It doesn’t matter who or why just that they raged while I sat calmly but inside me I was quickly curling up into a fetal position.

I wanted to escape. I wanted to get up out of my chair and run just run as fast as I could to nowhere. Where none could find me.

But I sat and first tried to reason but that brought on more rage. So I curled up on the inside and hid my face from the arrows that were flying out of the mouth that was raging. They were pointed straight at my heart. I tried to squeeze up on the inside into a tight ball to protect my heart but some got through anyway.

Just be quiet I told myself and it will end soon.

And it did end and it was over but I knew it was only the end for that day.

The next day as I tried to accomplish a very simple task-the frustration of the whole automated phone customer service black hole created that same rage inside of me. But I don’ t rage outwardly. It’s all inside and I want it to get out. I want to escape to nowhere and never come back. When rage becomes physical and/or verbal it gets out and it’s gone. The emotional rage in me has nowhere to go-it stays. I am not a violent person but I want it to get out of me-out of my heart.

I want to thrash about and make it get off of me but there is nowhere to go to get it out.

I want to go to a beach and feel the sand make it hard for me to walk. I want to go in the ocean and have the waves knock me down so I can get up and thrash and hit the waves as they come at me. I want the water to impede my motion so I have to use all my effort to move against the waves. I want the water to exhaust the rage within me so it gets off of me and out of me. But I don’t live near the ocean so I sit as the rage bounces and boils within me. I feel like a prisoner in my cell of rage with nowhere to go to get away from it. The door to freedom is locked.

I used to drink and drug and that was my escape but I learned that was only temporary. When it was over, everything was still there and sometimes it was worse.

This subjection to rage was my life when I was married to an alcoholic. Every night I went to sleep I wondered if I would be alive in the morning. When I woke up, I couldn’t wait until he left. My heart would begin to pound and race when I heard his truck drive up in the afternoon. I never knew what to expect. But, I learned very quickly how to slow my heart and be calm and cheery and hope that would prevent the rage that I knew would soon be walking through the door.

And so I learned a new way of surviving. I learned how to act and hide and clean up messes. I learned how to plead and beg lenders to give us, “one more chance”. I learned how to be and play the part of a victim, happy wife, happy daughter, daughter in law, and mother. I learned how to hide me. And later…I lost me.

It’s been about 27 years since I left that alcoholic but I still deal with post traumatic stress and I still haven’t shed many of the behaviors I learned during that time.

But I continue to recover and I am letting go of the persona I created for survival little by little, day by day. It’s a hard walk just like it was to quit using. And honestly, I just recently realized how much of me was still locked away. I still have so much fear that if fear were a color I would be the darkest shade possible.

I will tell you this. Even though I am older, I know this journey to find me will be amazing

I have so much hope for me and I have it for you too!

Whether it’s to stop the addiction or stop letting the addicts in your life consume you or recover from the post traumatic stress of the world of addictions or all of the above…please walk this journey with me. Hand in hand, heart to heart.

Recover Me

I’m standing in my backyard and everything is still with the exception of a slight cool breeze. It feels amazing as it hydroplanes over me. I temporarily interrupt its path as I reroute it into my nostrils and breathe it deep, deep into my lungs..ahh it feels like I am breathing in peace.
A hummingbird stops mid-flight on its way to the feeder and hovers in front of me as if to say a quick good morning. I stare back and marvel at its beauty and the speed of its’ wings. Although the weeds have found a temporary home in my yard, some of them have the most beautiful flowers. I think I will let them stay for a while and enjoy the beauty while it lasts.
It is so peaceful. It feels so right. Everything out here is working just the way it is supposed to and all is well. I wish I could stay out here in this peace for the rest of the morning but a noise from inside the house distracts me and the peace is gone.
I freeze. Can you believe I am anxious about going in to my own house? What am I so afraid of? If I could I would escape through the back fence and go for a LONG walk but it is locked and the key is inside the house.
I think to myself… how in the world did I get to this place in my life? I didn’t pick this journey; I think my life was hijacked. Yes, addiction and addicts hijacked my life and took me to a strange awful place.
As I am walking back to go inside, my eye catches a beautiful butterfly that elegantly flies past me and I think about the butterfly analogy.
You know, the one about the journey to the cocoon site, developing wings with amazing colors and finally breaking through the cocoon and gracefully fly through the sky. Well, if God gives a caterpillar the strength to endure that transformation, then certainly he has given me what I need to recover me from the crazy messed up world of addictions.
For anyone personally involved in the world of addictions…life is crazy messed up! Maybe you are the addict or someone closely involved in the life of an addict.
I have been on both sides of that track.. I was the angry addict that thought everyone around me was trying to make my life hard and blamed them for my addiction. I was the one, after attaining sobriety that believed the addict was trying to suck the life out of me. Welcome to the world of insanity. Ugh!
Today I am and have been on the journey to recover me. I want to be that confident, brave, adventurous me with dreams and goals, full of life. NO FEAR! I long to find me and become me once again. Do you ever feel that way?
With this blog, I hope to write about things you might be able to relate to so that you don’t feel quite so alone, lonely, and crazy.
I  hope you will be inspired and encouraged to start your own journey to recovering you.
It’s important that you realize that You are NOT alone. There are many of us who are where you are at now, or have been there at some point. Be assured of this, no matter where you are in this journey…there is hope-much hope. Please, don’t let shame control you or make you feel like you have to keep it all hidden.
Let’s walk this journey together.