Beautiful Acceptance

 

 

Because of the voice of the enemy, because of the oppression of the wicked: for they cast iniquity upon me, and in wrath they hate me.

My heart is sore pained within me; and the terrors of death are fallen upon me.

Fearfulness and trembling are come upon me and horror has overwhelmed me.

And I said, Oh that I had wings like a dove! For them I would fly away and be at rest.

Lo, then I would wander far off and remain in the wilderness. Selah.

I would hasten my escape from the windy storm and tempest.

 

I read this and felt like it was a perfect description of how I feel when anxiety has latched on to my soul.

The hand of a king that had physical enemies penned the above words. It was written thousands of years ago but I can relate to it today.

 

Of course my enemies are not necessarily of the physical sort; they are the lies that float around in my head. The irrational thoughts that come from misinterpreting someone’s words or intentions

They can cause me to be impulsive, thinking I need to have or do something right NOW or I will miss out or lose a friend/relationship/opportunity.

 

I have left jobs, careers, relationships, parties, and gatherings.

I have allowed myself to be immobilized out of fear caused by anxiety.

I have turned my anger inward and punished myself and called myself pathetic.

I have allowed people to define me-giving away my power and letting others chart my course.

 

This is all part of the unraveling of my dark and mostly unhappy life.

I don’t think that most people would think that about me.

I try to put on the mask of “I have it all together with a good life”

 

My counselor told me it wasn’t necessary to find the source of my problems; it’s more important to learn to do things differently.

In talking to her it is happening, not because she is revealing it to me, but because the little breadcrumbs I have found in my journey are leading me to the joy and freedom I have been seeking for SO long.

 

I have not started taking any medications. I am trying my various essential oils until I land on the one that brings a calm to my storms. I am starting an essential oils business and my first venture brought on over 20 VERY negative comments on a neighborhood post. A month ago I would have spiraled into an anxious immobilized state and stopped pursuing this business. When I read the posts I was actually very calm and responded by apologizing to anyone that was offended. I am using it as a learning opportunity.

 

Instead of listening to the condemning voices that use to immobilize me, I am listening to the words of other business people that went before me saying it is a hard road. I have accepted that and am prepared.

 

I have accepted that I have anxiety and I am reading about it. A LOT.

I am not going to use it as an excuse anymore.

I have read that we can increase our serotonin levels by what we think about and by exercising. (I knew there was something magical about Zumba)

 

I still have my triggers but actually found myself not responding to one of the biggest ones the other day. It’s a kind of calm that feels a bit like I’m floating. (No, I promise I’m not on drugs and no alcohol).

 

I’m trying to recognize the irrational thoughts and replace them with the truth.

I still feel weird, like the odd one out.

I still often feel like the king that said, Oh that I had wings like a dove! For them I would fly away and be at rest.

Lo, then I would wander far off and remain in the wilderness. Selah.

I would hasten my escape from the windy storm and tempest.

 

I know I am getting closer to freedom and finding the ever so elusive answers.

I’m firing the committee members one by one that have lived in my head and lied to me for over 40 years.

 

I have found acceptance is a beautiful thing that comes with the promise of freedom!

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