Staring so hard that it feels like if I continue I will fade into a dimension that will take me away from the conflict within me.
My brain says that I am very very sad and stressed and anxious. So sad that my heart is crying, no it’s sobbing, but there are too many layers between my heart and my eyes so the sobbing stays shut within my heart.
Which came first
Did the anxiety cause the weakness known as co-dependency or did the co-dependency rob me of the serotonin necessary to keep anxiety at bay.
Did the anxiety cause the addiction or did the addiction cause the anxiety.
Was I born with a predisposition to anxiety or did the conditions I grew up in create an anxious heart within me.
As I venture backwards, I move forward.
I was told one time that I didn’t need to try to figure out why I am the way I am, why I think the way I think, and do the things I do.
But when new words are added to my personality description, I need to know when and why it happened.
I must tell you that when one feels SO abnormal, it’s imperative to know.
With my new diagnosis of anxiety and having tried to fight it, I have found that by accepting it, I have chosen to learn more about it.
I have learned that co-dependency and addiction are common by products of anxiety. Lets just say they are BFF’s. They are besties.
When you have anxiety and you don’t know it, all you do know is that you aren’t the same as everyone else. The struggle to try to fit in is exhausting.
I misinterpreted people’s intentions, words, and actions and as a result I alienated myself.
I avoided parties unless I was high. I made very poor decisions, left jobs, self sabotaged.
Going to parties and social events sober I feel very awkward and I can usually be found helping to clean and replenish empty appetizer trays or doing something productive, I am not at all well versed in the art of small talk
I listened to the lies that told me I was less than everyone and therefore had to do more, be more.
When the nurse psychiatrist told me it was anxiety I had and not ADD, I was furious.
My whole purpose in going to see her was to get meds for ADD.
I know now that it’s not an inability to focus, (ADD) it’s choosing to focus on the hundreds of thoughts clouding my brain while I am trying to listen to someone or learn something, or clean the house. Wait, did I just say clean the house.
I know about the house cleaning because once when my husband and I were trying to get our house ready for an open house, he had 3 rooms vacuumed and dusted and I was only halfway done with one room.
It looks like this: I’m in the bathroom getting ready to clean the sinks-oops no cleaner. I go in the kitchen to get my homemade cleaner and it’s almost empty so I have to go to the laundry room to get my baking soda. While in the laundry room I see the mop and my dusting rags. Now I have to figure if I should dust first or vacuum. Oh yeah, I was hoping to shampoo the carpets. I should probably do that now so there will be time for the carpets to dry. Well wait, I should throw a load of laundry in so that can be going while I am shampooing the carpets.
Yup, that’s how it works. Can you relate, Can I get an “amen sister”.Are you exhausted yet?
So yeah, I quit using over 30 years ago but took on a co-dependent lifestyle to manage the underlying culprit…anxiety
People saw me as compassionate, empathetic, so helpful, nice, sweet. You’d think a person with a description like that would have a lot of friends. Nope, no bff’s, no besties. Well that is not exactly right, I am married so I do have a best friend. Oh yeah, and I do have my dogs that love me SO unconditionally.
Since starting a group at work and getting involved in the world of essential oils I have begun to notice personality traits of successful people. Now, I’m a not saying they are the definition of normal but they are highly functioning individuals.
What I am finding out is that it takes hard work, DISCIPLINE, and sacrifice.
It takes focusing on ONE thing at a time and making lists and being organized.
Having anxiety is not conducive to being disciplined, organized, and focusing on one thing at a time. But, I have found some essential oils that I am going to start experimenting with to help me with focus and clarity.
Now that I know what I know I feel a bit liberated but know I have a long way to go.
I still have triggers that absolutely paralyze me, areas I drive by that bring back vivid memories and make me feel sick but the knowledge I have gained so far gives me a something stronger to hold on to. The tiny little thread that was holding me up is beginning to look a bit more like a solid rope that won’t unravel and drop me into the deep dark abyss.