sun on lake





We are a desperate people here on this earth.


Last night I was on the Internet researching. As a person with an issue with focusing this can be exhausting because every page I went to had a link that took me to another page with a link and then another.

This venture always reminds me how much I love books, not the audio kind but the kind with real pages; pages with history. The kind of history that has the markings of others that have held the book and maybe underlined or highlighted a sentence or two, perhaps smudged a bit of chocolate or dropped a hot ash from a cigarette, cigar, pipe etc. Sometimes there is even a dog-eared page here and there or words written on the sides of a page. To some this is distracting; to me it feels like community.


My journey last night on the Internet revealed how desperate we are.


So many of us are searching for answers. We want cures, we want wisdom, we want help because we don’t trust the doctors, or the teachers, or the pastors, the leaders; the ones in days of old we looked to for guidance.


As I searched for answers, I found that most sites that started with “how I overcame” statements ended with a product that promised to fix or heal. Or, if you have time, you can register for a free online class that promises to reveal a secret.

The pages start out with a video or a lot of words that sound like well-versed research on the topic.

I accept that some of these are from people that truly have overcome things in their lives and they truly want to share to help others. Sometimes their issue led them to research because conventional means were not an option due to lack of finances. The problem is that they eventually make their information out of reach to others because they start charging for it or creating products to sell that are way to expensive for the average person to buy. The desperate, hopeful person will go in to debt in hopes that this will finally be the answer to their problems.


So desperation leads to searching, searching may lead to real or “promised” answers.


I went to bed VERY discouraged and feeling a bit down on myself for buying in to some of these “answers”.


When I woke up I was still thinking about it. I decided I was going to unsubscribe from many of the places I get emails from.


I then went to my little space in my house where I read my Bible each morning and this is where I found some solace. I picked up the book that I could hold in my hand, the book with the worn pages and the coffee stains and the dog eared pages and the writing in the sides and the highlighted passages and I asked my Creator to enlighten me. I asked God to help me sift the lies from the truth. I asked God to light the path where my feet should land. I asked to help me find joy in the gifts here on this earth and the answers to my issues with things that are not complicated.

I don’t want to be ignorant and naïve but I also don’t want to live with these fears anymore. I want a reboot, a start over, a life cleansing; I want to cold turkey from life as it is.

Enlighten me Oh God that I may see as you see, love as you love, and shake off the cares of this world that I may better engage in life as you have designed it.<a href="http://Enlighten“>


<a href="http://Scale“>DSCF0063

These are pin hole sized holes on the side of a mountain that are releasing streams of water.What appears to be an ocean below with waves crashing to the shore is actually the pattern of the rock. This picture is a close up of a 3′ by 1.5′ portion of the side of a mountain.





It’s delightfully quiet now; both in my heart and outside.

The air is just cool enough that I’m comfortable sitting outside.

I have my coffee (yes I am still drinking it)

Nature is on its normal course with the birds flitting to and fro. The only difference this morning is that I am at peace for the moment as I try to just be.

I am here in the moment and the anxious committee in my head is still sleeping.

By the way, for the last two nights I have put lavender essential oil on my feet and I think it has immobilized the talking heads that sometimes keep me awake or wake me up at night.

Back to peace.

I read every morning from the Bible and most times I am just looking at words because I am distracted by my anxiety (fear for what lies ahead in my day).

I am currently reading the Psalms and it amazes me how similar the thoughts and feelings of the writer so closely remind me of my own. It gives me hope to read them because it reminds me everyday the awesomeness of my Creator.

He does not send death nor sickness-we have created the environment that causes death, sickness, trauma, and sorrow through the desire to make life easier. Technology and greed have disrupted our Garden of Eden resulting in weather occurrences and machines and disease that kill and maim.

I watched a video on YouTube called urban agroecoloy. This family grows 6000 lbs. of food on 1/10 of an acre in the city. They grow almost all their food; have chickens, goats, and ducks among other animals. They use solar and pay only $12 per month for electricity and make their own biodiesel fuel for their cars (they get free used oil from restaurants). They make about $20,000 per year from their produce and use that money to buy the food they can’t grow, like wheat. They are vegetarians, no microwaves, and their juicer is hand cranked. They do canning, have bees for honey and only eat what’s in season. That to me sounds like the Garden of Eden we were meant to live in. The Dad calls it their (his family) road to freedom.

I look out at my yard and can envision it here. (:

I started this blog in the morning but had to dash out for the demands of this life.

My day started with the peace of the early morning and now 6.5 hours later it is with me again as I sit in my backyard and write. I have about an hour left of peace and freedom from anxiety.

I sit and enjoy the company of my two therapists (my dogs) and the occasional hummingbird that visits to have some sugar water.

My soul is still. No TV, no noise, no social media, just the nature that nurtures my weary soul as I gather up and breath deep breathes of serenity. I savor these moments because it is here that I find healing, answers and hope.

I learn more and more each day how I  receive words from others through a filter of anxiety that often lies. It’s like having a bad interpreter. I am trying to catch myself and take control of the interpretation. I honestly believe the years I spent smoking pot left me with a bit of paranoia and when added to anxiety and insecurity…well, what I hear others say and think they do may not always be accurate.

In the midst of an anxious moment it feels like I have a big tangled spider web of thoughts and words and they are all struggling to break free to be the spoken word that comes out of my mouth or be the thought that takes over. So, if you are asking someone with anxiety to make a decision-picture their brain being a tangled spider web and give them a break when they can’t make a decision.

My husband is a logical black and white person. He has finally learned that when he asks me to make a decision that I am going to defer to him but he still asks just in case.

I’m feeling grateful that I don’t have any close friends at this point in my life. It’s hard enough dealing with the people I do have to deal with. Each day I am hoping to grow out of this mess and become stronger internally so that when I do venture out to make friends I can have a stronger foundation of confidence.

I feel content and I am happy for the moment but dang it’s getting hot out here so I will sign off for today.