I went to my counselor the other day and she summed it up by saying this:
You just need to learn to think differently…so I smiled and said, “Yeah, you’re right” She had given me a list of positive phrases to say to myself everyday. Find a time during your day to tell yourself these things; morning is the best time. I was armed and ready to start the next morning. I was excited to try this method of creating a new pathway in my brain that told myself that I have worth, that I am confident, strong, courageous, and deserving of a better, freer life. I set my prized list next to my bed. I set it in a spot where I could just reach over and grab it, get up, and go into the next room and begin reciting it to myself.
Out there in the universe the bells and alarms began to blare, and an announcement went over the loudspeaker, “Prepare to attack at 04:30 hours”. (That’s when I wake up).
I woke up before my alarm clock and sure enough, one of the objects of my anxiety was already up.
The army had set up camp and captured me before I even got out of bed. A fortress of fear and the onslaught of the unknown blinded me to the point that I could barely see the prized paper that held the words that promised to help me on my journey to freedom.
I’ve come to this place many times in my life-it is just really sickening. It’s not like I let it stop me completely, I do what I have to do to get through the day and be responsible but that’s it. It’s not really living in freedom; I just exist, taking up space.
When I was using I didn’t really know I was using to escape something. If I were using now, I would know why and probably wouldn’t make any effort to stop.
I’ve lived more years sober than not and wouldn’t choose to ever go back there but I do think about it from time to time.
I have lived too many years allowing myself to be controlled by fear and anxiety. I want to break out, I try to break out but my enemies, my demons seem to keep finding willing people on this earth to spew their words and actions on me that paralyze me behind the foamy haze and fortress that keeps me imprisoned.
I unconsciously find the people that “have it altogether” and make everyone around them feel like everyone else has the problems and make all the mistakes. So the thought came that maybe I do that because I want to be controlled. I’m so afraid of making mistakes that I will just let others make all my decisions and tell me what to do.
When I do get a bit bold and make a decision and try to create something it only takes one negative comment to stop me. All the fears raise their ugly heads.
And so it goes, Ugh! My hope is that one day I will trample down the fortress of anxiety that imprisons’ me and I will use as a walkway to get to my freedom.