Sludge-How Befitting

I was going to look up the meaning of sludge because I was going to use it in an analogy.; I wanted to make sure I would use it in the proper context.
When I looked it up, I decided that none of them fit so I will use it as the thought that came to mind when I saw the word.

My definition of sludge is simple: My mind on anxiety.
Sludge is all of the junk in my brain that impedes the flow of truth and serotonin.
So, when faced with a decision to make or a response to come up with or an action to take, the results are a product of sludge: nothing happens due the backup of sludge or something totally inappropriate occurs..

Occasionally in an anxious moment I can sense or hear the pile up that is causing the backup  but sometimes I simply have no idea and it just grips me.

I think the most frustrating thing about anxiety is that people who don’t have it just don’t get it.
They say things like, “Well, just change the way you think, you know those thoughts are not true. Why do you just stare at me when I ask you a question? How come you can never make a decision? You don’t have to be afraid.”

I have new hope though in this fight.
I was able to get my doctor to change the type of medication I take for Hashimotos (hypothyroidism).It took a about 3 phone calls to find someplace that had the medication. There is a back up in the production and most all pharmacies are out of it. I was so grateful that I was able to get it. I am hoping by refill time that it will be back in stock.I also got a coffee substitute and a wonderful essential oil blend. ( I still need to change my diet)
I had clear, positive thinking, amazing energy and was able to figure things out without all the sludge. I felt strong, confident and able to stand up against my naysayers.

Today,as I sit in one of my favorite places with my 2 of my best friends I am feeling hopeful that I can continue with this forward momentum; that the sludge can be cleared away so I have more focus and energy and have the confidence to stand up to those that would try to bring me down,and that I will be free of this paralyzing fear that lends itself to so many unhealthy behaviors.

Here’s to keep on hoping and never stop believing. There is an answer for all of us! (and it doesn’t have to be our present or former addictions (: )<a href="http://Sludge“>
Chester and StanleyChester and Stanley<a href="http://Sludge“>

More Peeking

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I see you
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Peeking in on the natural

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At precisely 11:11 a.m. each Veterans Day (Nov. 11), the sun’s rays pass through the ellipses of the five Armed Services pillars to form a perfect solar spotlight over a mosaic of The Great Seal of the United States
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This is where the sun shines<a href="http://Peek“>

Peek

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I stood on the banks of this shore one early morning while on a mission trip to a tiny little village in Belize while there on a mission trip. I was feeling useless and out of place with the church group I went with. As I stood on the shore with the cool breeze blowing over me I asked God to just give me a glimpse, a peek, if you will, in to what my purpose was here. He surprised me when I heard a little voice in my heart say, “Though you may think you are here to help these women, you are here that I may bring peace and healing  to you.”<a href="http://Peek“>

Enlighten

sun on lake

 

 

 

 

We are a desperate people here on this earth.

 

Last night I was on the Internet researching. As a person with an issue with focusing this can be exhausting because every page I went to had a link that took me to another page with a link and then another.

This venture always reminds me how much I love books, not the audio kind but the kind with real pages; pages with history. The kind of history that has the markings of others that have held the book and maybe underlined or highlighted a sentence or two, perhaps smudged a bit of chocolate or dropped a hot ash from a cigarette, cigar, pipe etc. Sometimes there is even a dog-eared page here and there or words written on the sides of a page. To some this is distracting; to me it feels like community.

 

My journey last night on the Internet revealed how desperate we are.

 

So many of us are searching for answers. We want cures, we want wisdom, we want help because we don’t trust the doctors, or the teachers, or the pastors, the leaders; the ones in days of old we looked to for guidance.

 

As I searched for answers, I found that most sites that started with “how I overcame” statements ended with a product that promised to fix or heal. Or, if you have time, you can register for a free online class that promises to reveal a secret.

The pages start out with a video or a lot of words that sound like well-versed research on the topic.

I accept that some of these are from people that truly have overcome things in their lives and they truly want to share to help others. Sometimes their issue led them to research because conventional means were not an option due to lack of finances. The problem is that they eventually make their information out of reach to others because they start charging for it or creating products to sell that are way to expensive for the average person to buy. The desperate, hopeful person will go in to debt in hopes that this will finally be the answer to their problems.

 

So desperation leads to searching, searching may lead to real or “promised” answers.

 

I went to bed VERY discouraged and feeling a bit down on myself for buying in to some of these “answers”.

 

When I woke up I was still thinking about it. I decided I was going to unsubscribe from many of the places I get emails from.

 

I then went to my little space in my house where I read my Bible each morning and this is where I found some solace. I picked up the book that I could hold in my hand, the book with the worn pages and the coffee stains and the dog eared pages and the writing in the sides and the highlighted passages and I asked my Creator to enlighten me. I asked God to help me sift the lies from the truth. I asked God to light the path where my feet should land. I asked to help me find joy in the gifts here on this earth and the answers to my issues with things that are not complicated.

I don’t want to be ignorant and naïve but I also don’t want to live with these fears anymore. I want a reboot, a start over, a life cleansing; I want to cold turkey from life as it is.

Enlighten me Oh God that I may see as you see, love as you love, and shake off the cares of this world that I may better engage in life as you have designed it.<a href="http://Enlighten“>

Scale

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These are pin hole sized holes on the side of a mountain that are releasing streams of water.What appears to be an ocean below with waves crashing to the shore is actually the pattern of the rock. This picture is a close up of a 3′ by 1.5′ portion of the side of a mountain.

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It’s delightfully quiet now; both in my heart and outside.

The air is just cool enough that I’m comfortable sitting outside.

I have my coffee (yes I am still drinking it)

Nature is on its normal course with the birds flitting to and fro. The only difference this morning is that I am at peace for the moment as I try to just be.

I am here in the moment and the anxious committee in my head is still sleeping.

By the way, for the last two nights I have put lavender essential oil on my feet and I think it has immobilized the talking heads that sometimes keep me awake or wake me up at night.

Back to peace.

I read every morning from the Bible and most times I am just looking at words because I am distracted by my anxiety (fear for what lies ahead in my day).

I am currently reading the Psalms and it amazes me how similar the thoughts and feelings of the writer so closely remind me of my own. It gives me hope to read them because it reminds me everyday the awesomeness of my Creator.

He does not send death nor sickness-we have created the environment that causes death, sickness, trauma, and sorrow through the desire to make life easier. Technology and greed have disrupted our Garden of Eden resulting in weather occurrences and machines and disease that kill and maim.

I watched a video on YouTube called urban agroecoloy. This family grows 6000 lbs. of food on 1/10 of an acre in the city. They grow almost all their food; have chickens, goats, and ducks among other animals. They use solar and pay only $12 per month for electricity and make their own biodiesel fuel for their cars (they get free used oil from restaurants). They make about $20,000 per year from their produce and use that money to buy the food they can’t grow, like wheat. They are vegetarians, no microwaves, and their juicer is hand cranked. They do canning, have bees for honey and only eat what’s in season. That to me sounds like the Garden of Eden we were meant to live in. The Dad calls it their (his family) road to freedom.

I look out at my yard and can envision it here. (:

I started this blog in the morning but had to dash out for the demands of this life.

My day started with the peace of the early morning and now 6.5 hours later it is with me again as I sit in my backyard and write. I have about an hour left of peace and freedom from anxiety.

I sit and enjoy the company of my two therapists (my dogs) and the occasional hummingbird that visits to have some sugar water.

My soul is still. No TV, no noise, no social media, just the nature that nurtures my weary soul as I gather up and breath deep breathes of serenity. I savor these moments because it is here that I find healing, answers and hope.

I learn more and more each day how I  receive words from others through a filter of anxiety that often lies. It’s like having a bad interpreter. I am trying to catch myself and take control of the interpretation. I honestly believe the years I spent smoking pot left me with a bit of paranoia and when added to anxiety and insecurity…well, what I hear others say and think they do may not always be accurate.

In the midst of an anxious moment it feels like I have a big tangled spider web of thoughts and words and they are all struggling to break free to be the spoken word that comes out of my mouth or be the thought that takes over. So, if you are asking someone with anxiety to make a decision-picture their brain being a tangled spider web and give them a break when they can’t make a decision.

My husband is a logical black and white person. He has finally learned that when he asks me to make a decision that I am going to defer to him but he still asks just in case.

I’m feeling grateful that I don’t have any close friends at this point in my life. It’s hard enough dealing with the people I do have to deal with. Each day I am hoping to grow out of this mess and become stronger internally so that when I do venture out to make friends I can have a stronger foundation of confidence.

I feel content and I am happy for the moment but dang it’s getting hot out here so I will sign off for today.

Halo? Hellacious?

 

This journey of recovery has taken me down some VERY interesting paths but at the end of the day they all lead to the same place. The following is just my opinion.

I’ve come to the fork in the road, the kind with more than two directions and no matter which one I go down it APPEARS to end at the same place. They all seem to be connected.

In reading about co-dependency, anxiety, and addictions, a new word has entered the picture: narcissism. When I take the path of co-dependency it leads me to the very familiar place of anxiety. When I read about addictions it ends up at anxieties front door. As any of you that have had a relationship or have known someone that appears to be a narcissist you may not believe what I am about to say but many of his or her actions are a result of anxiety. Please don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that if you suffer from anxiety that you are a narcissist. This is my journey of discovery and I am looking at all avenues to get better.
I currently have 2 people in my life that have been described as narcissists. They both have huge hearts and love to give. They are both very controlling and manipulative and know how to make you feel like you are the slime of the earth.
They both can rage in a manner that would make even the fiercest king of the jungle retreat back to its lair. They are both very insecure but for people that don’t know them well you would think that they are perfect. They need you to think they are perfect. They have all the answers and present themselves as having all they need and that they have everything in order.
Their insecurity creates the anxiety that propels them to appear perfect and in control. Would a narcissist fit the description of being co-dependent? Well, codependents are very self-serving. Many of them seem to be very saintly, in fact, sometimes it even seems they are wearing a halo.
Now, behind closed doors, that is where all the pressure they put on themselves is released.
I was reading about co-dependents in a book by Melody Beattie. As she was describing the Karman Drama Triangle, I could clearly see how these 2 people work their way through the triangle. Rescue, persecute, victim. Since they feel like they are god and have all the answers they will “help” even though they really don’t want to and then they will persecute because the added pressure they put on themselves and then when anyone gets angry with them for persecuting they will retreat into the victim role. How did this all get started…anxiety. I have to do better, be better, seem perfect, and be perfect. Melody says it this way, “However, at the heart of most rescues is a demon: low self-worth. We rescue because we don’t feel good about ourselves. Although feelings are transient and artificial, care-taking provides us with a temporary hit of good feelings, self worth and power. Just as a drink helps an alcoholic temporarily feel better, a rescue momentarily distracts us from the pain of who we are. We don’t feel lovable so we settle for being needed. We don’t feel good about ourselves, so we feel compelled to do a particular thing to prove how good we are. We rescue because we don’t feel good about other people either.”

Right, OK so most narcissist’s demand that they be served, that they be taken care of. In fact it’s probably narcissists that the codependents are taking care of. Here’s a challenge. Try to notice when and who you might see a narcissist helping.

Here is a description I read on a blog:
“You help and you do favors and you struggle to say no, because you don’t want people to be mad at you. Yes, your self-confidence hinges on the well-being of others, but at the end of the day, people pleasing is in service to yourself. People-pleasing—even the Christian kind—is ultimately about you. And soon “you” becomes your focus. Your reason. Your basic motivation. That is my story. The seemingly benign desire to be a nice Christian girl had planted seeds, and put down roots, which grew into a pernicious self-focus. What appeared to be Christ-centered was, at its core, self-centered. My problem wasn’t people-pleasing. My problem was self-focus.”
So what appears to be a halo is actually hellacious. It’s self-seeking, self-rewarding. I’m not thinking about that when I’m doing it but in the end it is about me. It’s about self-preservation and reducing the anxiety.
There is definitely a difference between helping and care-taking (rescuing). I’m still learning the difference.
Are all codependents narcissists? I don’t think so. Are any codependents narcissists? Possibly. Of course I look at me first. Do I fit all the qualities of a narcissist? No. I don’t rage and persecute others, but I do rage at myself. I turn it inward. I punish myself. Do I help others in order to feel better about myself-not always. Do I do things for others because I feel they are incapable-sometimes. Do I feel like I have all the answers? I feel like I have to have all the answers. Do I get upset if someone criticizes me-yes the mama bear in me comes out to protect my very fragile self-esteem. But it’s because I do try so hard to be perfect.
Although it’s said that narcissists are very egotistical I think it’s a façade they have worn for so long they have come to believe it. I think they are much like the beast in Beauty and the Beast. They have had people in their lives that have catered to them, out of fear, for so long that that is what they expect and demand. They have learned how to manipulate and control their environment in order to ward off anxiety.
What I do know for myself is that many of the actions I do or don’t take that later cause me grief are motivated by anxiety. The anxiety of impending rejection, abandonment, and criticism…the list goes on and on. I have also come to learn that my anxiety lies to me ALL the time and that the fear that arises is totally unwarranted.
So, for me I will continue to research, look at possibilities, look inward to reveal the demons so I can kick them the hell out of my life. I will continue to seek out alternatives to medicine to increase my serotonin levels. I think anxiety has been hiding in the shadows of so many other mental illnesses that it needs to be brought out for what it is so that it can be destroyed. For me, I want to unzip the cloak of anxiety that’s attached itself to me as a second skin and walk in freedom.