PLEASED

Pleased to meet you.

Pleased you have taken the time to visit.

Pleased that you are you who you are.

Pleased for what you offer to this world.

Pleased that you have chosen to continue with life and be a part of this puzzle we call life where every life matters because every life is a piece of the puzzle and if one piece is missing then the puzzle will never be complete.

So pleased and so grateful for every life, even for the ones that have yet to be birthed into this world.

Pleased for all the colors and elements of life.

Pleased!

Who I am and why I’m here

I am currently discovering who I truly am meant to be. I hope to share my journey so that others that may have been or are currently involved in the world of addictions can maybe find a way out or be inspired to get out and get healing. I would love to start a new kind of treatment program but other responsibilities would prevent me from that at this time. I want to do what I can do now, which is to write. Maybe it will evolve in to being able to start that program.

A Different day, a different time, the same feeling

 

 

I had someone rage at me yesterday

It doesn’t matter who or why just that they raged while I sat calmly but inside me I was quickly curling up into a fetal position.

I wanted to escape. I wanted to get up out of my chair and run just run as fast as I could to nowhere. Where none could find me.

But I sat and first tried to reason but that brought on more rage. So I curled up on the inside and hid my face from the arrows that were flying out of the mouth that was raging. They were pointed straight at my heart. I tried to squeeze up on the inside into a tight ball to protect my heart but some got through anyway.

Just be quiet I told myself and it will end soon.

And it did end and it was over but I knew it was only the end for that day.

The next day as I tried to accomplish a very simple task-the frustration of the whole automated phone customer service black hole created that same rage inside of me. But I don’ t rage outwardly. It’s all inside and I want it to get out. I want to escape to nowhere and never come back. When rage becomes physical and/or verbal it gets out and it’s gone. The emotional rage in me has nowhere to go-it stays. I am not a violent person but I want it to get out of me-out of my heart.

I want to thrash about and make it get off of me but there is nowhere to go to get it out.

I want to go to a beach and feel the sand make it hard for me to walk. I want to go in the ocean and have the waves knock me down so I can get up and thrash and hit the waves as they come at me. I want the water to impede my motion so I have to use all my effort to move against the waves. I want the water to exhaust the rage within me so it gets off of me and out of me. But I don’t live near the ocean so I sit as the rage bounces and boils within me. I feel like a prisoner in my cell of rage with nowhere to go to get away from it. The door to freedom is locked.

I used to drink and drug and that was my escape but I learned that was only temporary. When it was over, everything was still there and sometimes it was worse.

This subjection to rage was my life when I was married to an alcoholic. Every night I went to sleep I wondered if I would be alive in the morning. When I woke up, I couldn’t wait until he left. My heart would begin to pound and race when I heard his truck drive up in the afternoon. I never knew what to expect. But, I learned very quickly how to slow my heart and be calm and cheery and hope that would prevent the rage that I knew would soon be walking through the door.

And so I learned a new way of surviving. I learned how to act and hide and clean up messes. I learned how to plead and beg lenders to give us, “one more chance”. I learned how to be and play the part of a victim, happy wife, happy daughter, daughter in law, and mother. I learned how to hide me. And later…I lost me.

It’s been about 27 years since I left that alcoholic but I still deal with post traumatic stress and I still haven’t shed many of the behaviors I learned during that time.

But I continue to recover and I am letting go of the persona I created for survival little by little, day by day. It’s a hard walk just like it was to quit using. And honestly, I just recently realized how much of me was still locked away. I still have so much fear that if fear were a color I would be the darkest shade possible.

I will tell you this. Even though I am older, I know this journey to find me will be amazing

I have so much hope for me and I have it for you too!

Whether it’s to stop the addiction or stop letting the addicts in your life consume you or recover from the post traumatic stress of the world of addictions or all of the above…please walk this journey with me. Hand in hand, heart to heart.

Recover Me

I’m standing in my backyard and everything is still with the exception of a slight cool breeze. It feels amazing as it hydroplanes over me. I temporarily interrupt its path as I reroute it into my nostrils and breathe it deep, deep into my lungs..ahh it feels like I am breathing in peace.
A hummingbird stops mid-flight on its way to the feeder and hovers in front of me as if to say a quick good morning. I stare back and marvel at its beauty and the speed of its’ wings. Although the weeds have found a temporary home in my yard, some of them have the most beautiful flowers. I think I will let them stay for a while and enjoy the beauty while it lasts.
It is so peaceful. It feels so right. Everything out here is working just the way it is supposed to and all is well. I wish I could stay out here in this peace for the rest of the morning but a noise from inside the house distracts me and the peace is gone.
I freeze. Can you believe I am anxious about going in to my own house? What am I so afraid of? If I could I would escape through the back fence and go for a LONG walk but it is locked and the key is inside the house.
I think to myself… how in the world did I get to this place in my life? I didn’t pick this journey; I think my life was hijacked. Yes, addiction and addicts hijacked my life and took me to a strange awful place.
As I am walking back to go inside, my eye catches a beautiful butterfly that elegantly flies past me and I think about the butterfly analogy.
You know, the one about the journey to the cocoon site, developing wings with amazing colors and finally breaking through the cocoon and gracefully fly through the sky. Well, if God gives a caterpillar the strength to endure that transformation, then certainly he has given me what I need to recover me from the crazy messed up world of addictions.
For anyone personally involved in the world of addictions…life is crazy messed up! Maybe you are the addict or someone closely involved in the life of an addict.
I have been on both sides of that track.. I was the angry addict that thought everyone around me was trying to make my life hard and blamed them for my addiction. I was the one, after attaining sobriety that believed the addict was trying to suck the life out of me. Welcome to the world of insanity. Ugh!
Today I am and have been on the journey to recover me. I want to be that confident, brave, adventurous me with dreams and goals, full of life. NO FEAR! I long to find me and become me once again. Do you ever feel that way?
With this blog, I hope to write about things you might be able to relate to so that you don’t feel quite so alone, lonely, and crazy.
I  hope you will be inspired and encouraged to start your own journey to recovering you.
It’s important that you realize that You are NOT alone. There are many of us who are where you are at now, or have been there at some point. Be assured of this, no matter where you are in this journey…there is hope-much hope. Please, don’t let shame control you or make you feel like you have to keep it all hidden.
Let’s walk this journey together.