Tragedy should not be expected

 

So sad, so very sad!
When we read about someone that died from a drug overdose.

It didn’t have to happen’
Those that knew the one that overdosed will say they tried to stay in touch and offer their support.
Isn’t that what we all say about the addicts in our lives…we try to stay in touch and support them.
Stay in touch makes sense; we naturally stay in touch with friends so our addict friends should be no different –right?
The support part, well that’ a bit different with addicts isn’t it?
We tend to support from a distance; a safe distance. If we get too close we might get pulled in by the tremendous magnetic force that addictions can have. It’s sort of like the same effect a strong ocean current has on you when you desperately want to get to shore but it keeps pulling you farther and farther in its direction. Farther out away from the safety of the shore. So we support from where we feel safe.
For some addicts it is too far away.
Ok, so we hear all the same stuff…they have to want it before they will stop.
Let me ask you a question-do you REALLY think they wanted to become an addict.
Do you REALLY think they are enjoying the lifestyle of an addict?
Do you REALLY know what that life is about?
Have you ever searched obsessively for money and even considered stealing; breaking into houses to steal just so you could get your next (whatever you needed)
I mean really (stop using or, go to jail for theft or burglarize a home and maybe get shot and go to jail)
They will lie to you, steal from you, and manipulate you with their stories (they are master story tellers aka liars)
They will sell their children and their own soul.
But, you see, addicts don’t think about those things. They are obsessed with only one thing. So why do they choose all the risky behaviors. Why do they spend their days where every other thought is about the object of their addiction?
Do you REALLY think living like that is more DESIRABLE than living a life full of well, life? Why do they continue to live such a miserable life? They, very SIMPLY put, have lost control.
How did they get there?
It can start by the desire to fit in.
Maybe they were forced in to it.
Maybe it was an initiation rite.
Maybe it started out recreationally.
Some people are more prone to becoming addicts.
Some chemicals have a greater potential to be addictive.
The farther you get pulled in to it, the harder it is to get out.
I would like to propose a challenge to you. Think about your favorite thing to eat or drink or your favorite activity. Try stopping it for a week.
Try not eating ANYTHING with sugar in it for a week. (Almost everything has sugar in it). Are you a coffee drinker? Try it-no coffee for a week. And remember, addicts can’t start back up after a week.
Now that you have stopped-don’t hang out with the people that are still doing those things.

So you might be asking. What’s the point?
The point is that I can tell you that NO ADDICT is enjoying being an addict. They have so much to hide from; all the secrets they have and all the lies they are telling.
You may think it is as easy as choosing say, to go to a movie or not, to stay in your job or get a different one, to buy a new outfit or wait for a sale.
It’s not that easy at all.
Well , you say, when it gets bad enough they will stop-they have to hit rock bottom. Sure that helps but when life gets more manageable after they stop then the desire for that feeling comes back. It can haunt you and beckon you like an old lover. Taunting with old pleasurable memories. The pain of the addictive lifestyle fades and the temptation to use again is hard and heavy desperately trying to pull you back in. Then other stresses of life start to create a pain that you want to escape from and you start to think that it was so much easier being an addict. At least you could get away from the pain.

In all honesty as much as addicts are such liars, once they allow you into their heart, which is imprisoned, you will find an incredibly sensitive person with an amazingly beautiful heart. Maybe you just might be the one that can be the difference in their lives.

A Different day, a different time, the same feeling

 

 

I had someone rage at me yesterday

It doesn’t matter who or why just that they raged while I sat calmly but inside me I was quickly curling up into a fetal position.

I wanted to escape. I wanted to get up out of my chair and run just run as fast as I could to nowhere. Where none could find me.

But I sat and first tried to reason but that brought on more rage. So I curled up on the inside and hid my face from the arrows that were flying out of the mouth that was raging. They were pointed straight at my heart. I tried to squeeze up on the inside into a tight ball to protect my heart but some got through anyway.

Just be quiet I told myself and it will end soon.

And it did end and it was over but I knew it was only the end for that day.

The next day as I tried to accomplish a very simple task-the frustration of the whole automated phone customer service black hole created that same rage inside of me. But I don’ t rage outwardly. It’s all inside and I want it to get out. I want to escape to nowhere and never come back. When rage becomes physical and/or verbal it gets out and it’s gone. The emotional rage in me has nowhere to go-it stays. I am not a violent person but I want it to get out of me-out of my heart.

I want to thrash about and make it get off of me but there is nowhere to go to get it out.

I want to go to a beach and feel the sand make it hard for me to walk. I want to go in the ocean and have the waves knock me down so I can get up and thrash and hit the waves as they come at me. I want the water to impede my motion so I have to use all my effort to move against the waves. I want the water to exhaust the rage within me so it gets off of me and out of me. But I don’t live near the ocean so I sit as the rage bounces and boils within me. I feel like a prisoner in my cell of rage with nowhere to go to get away from it. The door to freedom is locked.

I used to drink and drug and that was my escape but I learned that was only temporary. When it was over, everything was still there and sometimes it was worse.

This subjection to rage was my life when I was married to an alcoholic. Every night I went to sleep I wondered if I would be alive in the morning. When I woke up, I couldn’t wait until he left. My heart would begin to pound and race when I heard his truck drive up in the afternoon. I never knew what to expect. But, I learned very quickly how to slow my heart and be calm and cheery and hope that would prevent the rage that I knew would soon be walking through the door.

And so I learned a new way of surviving. I learned how to act and hide and clean up messes. I learned how to plead and beg lenders to give us, “one more chance”. I learned how to be and play the part of a victim, happy wife, happy daughter, daughter in law, and mother. I learned how to hide me. And later…I lost me.

It’s been about 27 years since I left that alcoholic but I still deal with post traumatic stress and I still haven’t shed many of the behaviors I learned during that time.

But I continue to recover and I am letting go of the persona I created for survival little by little, day by day. It’s a hard walk just like it was to quit using. And honestly, I just recently realized how much of me was still locked away. I still have so much fear that if fear were a color I would be the darkest shade possible.

I will tell you this. Even though I am older, I know this journey to find me will be amazing

I have so much hope for me and I have it for you too!

Whether it’s to stop the addiction or stop letting the addicts in your life consume you or recover from the post traumatic stress of the world of addictions or all of the above…please walk this journey with me. Hand in hand, heart to heart.